


Eel

by CoralFlowerDaylight (CoralFlower)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Crying, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, POV Second Person, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, angst with no resolution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 21:24:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18396632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoralFlower/pseuds/CoralFlowerDaylight
Summary: "I have nothing to be ashamed of!""You allowed Deceit to trick you into thinking that the only way to go to the callback was to lie."





	Eel

**Author's Note:**

> the title is cus feels and eels are both pretty slippery
> 
> So... I was nowhere near as rigorous with proofreading for this fic as I usually am. It's not a commentary on how I feel about either character, but a commentary on how easy it is for people to misunderstand each other's intentions.
> 
> If you've never read second person before, give it a shot! It gets less confusing once you're used to it.

"Logan?"

A knocking sound, on your door. Patton's voice saying your name. You should answer. There's no reason to ignore him, and even if you have reason to think his actions today were wrong, ignoring him won't help.

But you do not answer.

"Logan, I was wondering if you want to make some cookies."

Good for him. You sigh, and rub your temples, sitting down on your bed and abandoning the bulletin board you were working on, because if Patton is going to sit outside your door and talk at you, there's no way you'll be able to focus.

"Hello?"

It looks like he is. Why? Why is he doing this? If he won't admit that he was wrong to-- to leave you out--

Patton always steps in to make sure Virgil's input is heeded (to make sure Virgil "feels listened to"). It was foolish of him to fail to do so for you today.

"Logan, are you mad at me?"

You frown, taken aback by the question. Of course you aren't angry. You're simply pondering the fact that you, Thomas's logic, were completely excluded from a discussion regarding Thomas's future, and you're trying to figure out how to ensure that it never happens again. You don't need Morality's help to do so, and in fact, his help would likely be a detriment.

"Patton, of course I'm not mad at you. You know I don't get mad."

"Right," Patton says. "Only-- you were ignoring me. And... You seemed... unhappy, about things earlier."

"If by unhappy, you mean the state of being uninfluenced by the emotion of happiness, then I suppose your assumptions would be accurate," you say. "Why did you not try to expand my role in today's scenario? It's clear the outcome was not ideal, and you and I both know that, had I been able to participate to a further extent--"

"What do you mean, the outcome wasn't ideal?" Patton interrupts. "Thomas said he would go to the wedding, and now he's going to keep his word. And honestly, we didn't need you today. The discussion was about Thomas and his friends and his feelings, and--"

"Thomas should have told Lee and Mary Lee about the callback. This was not a decision between lying and giving up a once in a lifetime opportunity. There were other options, and I should have been allowed to point that out."

"Do you really think Lee and Mary Lee would forgive Thomas for missing their wedding for anything less important than the death of a relative?"

"You sound like Anxiety."

"You mean Virgil."

"No, I mean Anxiety," you say. "Anxiety, who used underhanded, manipulative tactics to exert an influence before we started listening to him and earned his name. You are often wrong, Morality, and the fact that you insist on prioritising your own opinions anyway would be despicable if I had the capacity to despise anything, which I don't."

"What are you talking about?" Patton says. "I'm not wrong, Logan, you're the one who's wrong. You don't care about Thomas! You don't _love_ him. How could you possibly know what's best for him?"

You cross your arms, unimpressed. You're glad you haven't opened the door.

"You operate under the assumption that a lack of emotion precludes personhood. This is not inherently a problem, because _none_ of us are people. However, you only listen to those who fulfill your arbitrary requirements for personhood, and that is where the problem arises. You consider my lack of emotion a necessary evil and you pity me because I don't feel love. You are constantly wishing you could fix me and make me just like you. Now, I must admit to feeling a slight curiosity; what evils would you commit, Patton, for the purpose of correcting my atypical behaviour? Why do you allow your feelings about me to control every aspect of your treatment of me? It is most illogical."

"I don't have feelings for you," Patton says.

"You have feelings for everything," you say bluntly, uncertain about why he'd bother denying something so obvious. "You have feelings for spiders when Thomas kills them. You have feelings for every single chocolate chip you've ever baked into cookies."

"Whatever," Patton says. "You still don't know Thomas like I do. You don't get it. You just-- you think facts about someone are all you need, but you'll never understand feelings. This is what Thomas needed."

"No, this is a pointless self-sacrifice that will irrevocably affect Thomas's future career prospects. You want to talk about feelings? Fine. I'll get mushy for a moment, since it seems to be the only way you'll consider what I say legitimate. You are morality. You have a job. You're supposed to make sure no one gets hurt by Thomas's actions, but you don't seem to realise this includes Thomas himself. You're the reason he's susceptible to emotional manipulation and guilt-tripping, the only thing making him vulnerable to that kind of abuse. We. Don't. Need. You. Morality can be replicated by Logic; gratuitous cruelty is inefficient, and abusing others drives them away and gives you a bad reputation."

"Thomas wouldn't be Thomas without me," Patton says shakily. You roll your eyes.

"Thomas isn't Thomas without his hopes and dreams, either, and today you guilted those hopes and dreams into giving you your way. You hurt Roman, and I'm surprised you're here, failing to apologise to me when he's the one who needs it. Did you even notice what you did to him?"

Patton is silent for a moment, and then you hear him sob.

Your first instinct is to roll your eyes. You follow it.

Your second instinct is to open the door and provide comfort. Which perhaps isn't as bad of an idea as it seems; you remember how Thomas felt whenever he had no one to comfort him while he was crying, and you know Patton does not like to be alone. It might also influence his feelings towards you, and make him more willing to listen to reason-- no, Patton does not listen to you. Pretending you can influence his actions, pretending you have control, will only cause you to blame yourself when your attempts fail.

You do not owe him comfort. You open the door anyway.

"Come in," you say. Patton's eyes are wide, and his hands are shaking. He takes a few steps towards you, arms opening like he's going to hug you, and then stops, dropping his arms to the side, and looking at you forlornly. You shut the door and sit down on your bed, patting the spot next to you. "Sit."

Patton sits, and... you're uncertain what to do about the fact that he's so careful about not touching you, because you were counting on his ability to just touch people like it isn't awkward and confusing to make this work.

Ugh. You don't want to be doing this. You don't like the weird sensation in your stomach or the way it becomes difficult to form thoughts as soon as you consider initiating physical contact. It's ridiculous.

You put your arm around Patton's shoulders, and he flinches and looks at you, eyes even wider than before, like you've done something shocking. And then he turns his body towards you and wraps his arms around your waist, hiding his face in your shirt. He is crying harder now.

"It is true that Thomas would not be the same without you," you say, unsure where the words are coming from. "And... we could function, without you, but that does not mean you aren't necessary."

Patton holds you tighter.

"I-I'm sorry," he says. "I-- I just--"

"Stop," you say, and then clear your throat, because your voice sounds strange. "Do not apologise when you aren't aware of what you've done and have no plans to fix it. It's dishonest."

"What do you want me to say?" Patton asks, voice small.

"You... treat me differently than everyone else and I don't understand it. I want to know why."

Patton tenses up, and pulls away, letting go of your waist. He isn't making eye contact.

"It's because..." He looks up at you. He's biting his lower lip. "It's because I love you. I'm in love with you."

You blink.

"You aren't in love with me," you say, and Patton's lips part. "Don't be ridiculous."

"I-- what? Logan, I--"

His crying is getting worse.

"Love isn't a feeling," you explain. "It's a choice. An action. It's a behaviour, not an internal state. You do not act like you love me."

"I love you!" Patton says, voice desperate now. "Logan, I-- you're so amazing, of course I love you--"

"Then why do I feel like you don't respect me?" And... oops. Your voice was completely flat during that sentence. Patton is speechless. "You draw attention to it every time I engage in wordplay, whether purposeful or not. You turn my concerns into a joke. You mock me constantly. And now you're saying you love me. Roman might be crude and self-centered, but he's at least more honest than you. You don't love me. You-- it's like you're trying to be my dad because you don't listen and you don't take me seriously and you act like I'm some child who just doesn't know any better whenever I disagree with you."

"Logan--"

"No!" you say. "Stop saying it. Just stop. It's-- it's cruel. You think this is love?"

"I know it is," Patton says stubbornly. "I know how I feel, you can't take that away from me--"

"Love is not a feeling," you repeat. "It's a choice to respect someone else and make them a priority in your life. Patton, you care about people outside of Thomas. You put their needs over his needs all the time and it's been happening for too long. You have far too much power, and it's terrifying."

Patton flinches, and wraps his arms around himself miserably. You don't reach out to him this time.

"Y-you think I'm scary?" he says.

"I didn't say that," you protest. "Just-- you don't-- I don't have to have feelings to love Thomas, even if I'd usually call it something different. Love isn't something you feel. It's something you do."

Patton's expression grows stubborn again, and you feel a sinking sensation in your chest.

"Well, Thomas loves his friends," he says. "And that means sometimes he has to--"

"Does Thomas love himself, or not?" you say, and Patton blinks at you.

"I-- what?"

"Does Thomas love himself or not?"

"Well, of course he does," Patton says. "Just--"

"Do you care about Thomas's dreams?" you ask, crossing your arms.

"What do you mean? Of course I--"

"You don't," you say. "Not as much as you care about him being a good person. You should be ashamed of yourself."

"I have nothing to be ashamed of!"

"You allowed Deceit to trick you into thinking that the only way to go to the callback was to lie." Patton's eyes widen. "You told Thomas that following his dreams would-- would make his friends hate him, would make him a bad person. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Patton flinches again.

"Logan, I--"

"I thought we were past the times when a side who worries needlessly had this much power. I thought--" _why_ are you stammering-- "I thought I would always be present, but I _wasn't_ today because the rest of you always-- always--" _spit it out_ "k-kept shoving me back out of the discussion. Including you. Don't pretend to be fair. Don't pretend your agenda is the good and pure one. Deceit was right. We're all just-- we all try to work together because we're all in Thomas's mind, but the rules we follow-- your rule where you always have to get your way-- it's all based on a lie."

"Logan--"

"You're like an overly strict parent," you say. "If Thomas doesn't follow your rules you make things awful for the rest of us until we give in. Let him live. You can't decide everything for him. Morality is not absolute. If you can't accept that, get out of my room."

"Logan, I'm _sorry_ \--"

"Just leave--"

"I should have made them let you talk," Patton says, looking miserable with tears streaming down his face as he hugs himself tighter. "I'm sorry."

"I don't need your apologies," you say, and Patton curls in on himself more. "I need you to do better."

"I will," Patton whispers.

"Promise me," you say.

"I promise."

Patton's voice is tired and shaky.

"I don't think I believe you," you say. He sobs.

"Logan... do you... love me?"

You don't understand this question. You don't understand why he wants to know.

"I don't love anyone," you say automatically.

"You said love isn't a feeling," Patton says.

"You can't choose to love without the feeling there," you say. "Or you can try, but it doesn't... it just hurts you. You can't just do it, but you also can't just feel it. I don't love anyone."

"But... that sounds... if you don't feel anything... doesn't that feel--"

"It doesn't," you interrupt. "You're answering your own question as you ask it. Will that be all?"

Patton sniffles.

"Are you sure you don't want to make cookies?"

You stare at him for a moment, and then sigh.

"I'm busy," you say.

"Okay," he says. "I-- sorry."

He doesn't stand up.

"Please leave now," you say, and Patton bites his lip and hunches his shoulders.

"I--" he cuts himself off, and you sigh. Something is making you sick. Something is messing with the way it feels when you breathe. Something-- something is-- "You feel so sad."

You frown.

"What? What do you mean?"

Patton sniffles.

"You just... you used to get happy all the time. But... I don't know. A couple years ago you just... you started-- you always feel lonely now."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Everything I try to do for you makes it worse, every time I try to bring you in closer it just pushes you further away... when was the last time you felt like part of the team?"

"I don't-- Patton, this is ridiculous. I don't--"

"Stop saying you don't have feelings," Patton says, intense enough to surprise you. "I-- Logan, I can feel them. You're sad and scared and angry and-- and you feel abandoned."

You flinch, pulling back from him like he's something dangerous. You want more distance between the two of you, but Patton follows, scooting closer and reaching out.

"Here," he says. "I know-- I know you're scared. Please let me show you something."

He takes your hand, and you sit there, numb, and let him put your hand over his heart. You feel it beat, and then Patton shuts his eyes and... something changes tangibly inside you. Your lungs feel light, buoyant. You pull your hand away, and the sensation fades.

"What-- what did you do to me?" you ask. Your voice cracks.

"That was happiness," Patton says. "I... I shared it with you."

"It made my chest feel weird," you say. "Like..."

Hm.

"Like?"

"It's probably nothing," you say, frowning and trying to reconcile the name 'happiness' with a sensation you've noticed and wondered about before.

"Well, do you want to feel any of the other feelings?" Patton asks, and you tense.

"No," you say. No way. You don't-- something bad will happen. Definitely.

"Okay, well, if you get curious, you can just--"

"Love," you say, abruptly changing your mind. "Show me love."

"Oh," Patton says. "Um... Give me your hand, then."

You hold out your hand, and Patton takes it.

"Which kind of love?" he asks, and you shrug. "Okay... then... this is what I feel, when I look at you."

You stomach tickles, and then-- oh. A focused, comfortable feeling in your mind, a feeling that you could be content just watching someone exist forever, and... A stutter in your heart.

It's... fondness. Seeing everything someone does and reacting positively to all of it too. You pull your hand away.

"I don't understand," you say.

"I mean-- that's-- it's just how I feel."

"No, but if you feel like that, why do you act..."

Patton shrugs uncomfortably.

"I just... don't know how to talk to you, I guess. Everything comes out wrong and it makes you think I don't respect you or care about you. I... I get excited when you make puns because... I like sharing that with you. And sometimes I joke around, but I never mean to mock you. I-- I can stop."

You shrug uncomfortably, trying very hard not to think about how arguing with Roman gives you the same focused feeling Patton just showed you. It's not the same. You can't be in love with Roman.

"Just-- I need to think," you say. "I need to be alone."

"Alright," Patton says. "It's okay if you're angry with me."

He gets up to leave, and you reach out for his hand without thinking about it first. He stops, and turns back to you.

"I don't love you," you say. "Not the way you love me."

He nods.

"Alright," he says. He tugs free of your grip and nods again, blinking more quickly, and then runs from your room.

You get up to close the door, and then return to your bed. You'll finish the bulletin board later.

**Author's Note:**

> comment?
> 
> [reblog this post to share this fic](https://coralflower-ao3.tumblr.com/post/184037254256/eel)


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